we decided to order my hospital records just to have on hand if we ever got pregnant again, and on a whim decided to ask for our daughter olive's records as well. the bill for my records came and were a reasonable amount of pages, however olives records totaled 375 pages and we were taken back. we initially thought that we would hold on to them for sentimental reasons (when you dont have something tangible anything you can hold on to seems remotely sentimental, right) but now with the idea of having a huge stack of pain right there to sift through, we are not sure. but should we take them? are we being chicken? passing up an opportunity? will any future children have any interest? what does paperwork serve anyway, if we dont find some kind of closure or peace or need of them will we ever be able to throw the papers away? im kindof stuck, and was wondering if anyone had kept or ordered hospital records. thanks.

not of me or my baby.but my husband has his dads and I don't know if he wants his moms..been a year since she died.

It was kind of interesting reading the dads stuff..but my husband is now so angry about hospitals and mistrusting of them... I don't know.

Though my situation is different than yours, I do have all of my records, including my daughter's genetic results (the one where you actually see all of the chromosomes - all 47 of them in her case). In a strange way, I feel like it's all I will ever really have of her.

I was told my records from the miscarriage were lost. Well, turns out they're not. Have to go get them my husband's next day off, because I want them in my hot little hands. I'm desperate to see if they at least did a karyotype on him/her - they "disposed of the tissue" so again, I'm with Michelle - this is all I have.

I have all of Aeryn's records, but it makes me sad because there are really only about 4 pages. Then receipt for cremation. Still no birth certificate or anything. I went to the hospital and got her APGAR score sheet - sad because they didn't even fill it out all the way, didn't bother to record her weight or anything on it because everyone knew going in she wasn't going to make it.

I have the records, including the pathology report (a good 1/2" thick) and subsequent reports from Children's. I think it's a good thing to have, even if you just take it, put it in a folder and file it away don't look at it for a long time (if ever). You never know. Believe it or not, there may come a day when you're sitting across from a doctor, and they say "boy I wish I knew the answer the this," and you say, "why, I have the whole report at home! Let's look!" It may not provide an *answer* per se, but a clue, or let them know someone checked something out. Sometimes these reports are simply a process of elimination.

I know for me, my daughter was nothing but a medical case. That was her personality, so to speak -- it's all I know of her. And so I occasionally leaf through her pathology report, because in some sense it gets me closer to knowing her, and reminds me that she wasn't a figure of my imagination. Ours provided no answers. Only an infinite amount of wild questions.

I'm so sorry.

Dear Wendy,

After reading your post I went and opened my memory chest. I found my son's hospital records along with mine.

If I could say anything to you it would be to keep them. I didn't have much time with my son and any little bit of physical evidence that he was here is precious to me.

It sounds like there are so many records for you to pick up. Maybe you could someone in your family to hold them in a safe place in their home for you, if you don't want them in your house right now.

I hope you find all of these comments helpful :)

Thinking of you

Carly x

I don't have the full records for either of us. I want them though. I've considered ordering them a few times.

I did get his autopsy report. The one that confirmed he was perfect genetically, but lacking in lungs due to severe lack of amniotic fluid. And a ton of other medical terminology. I needed that document, as a final proof of what happened and why it happened. I needed to know that I did make a perfect baby, but it was just my body that broke.

I'd never get rid of that report. And if I get the rest of the documents, I'll keep those forever too. Sometimes, I am afraid that I start to forget. I hate not being able to remember every detail. In having something to read back over, I can open it all back up and make sure I remember him. It's somewhat painful, but it's better than numb.

I have all of my records and my son's, and I am so grateful.

Full disclosure: the process of getting them was a little rough. Because Oliver was never "alive" in the hospital, he has no separate medical record number. You can imagine (or maybe you know) how the conversation went with the medical record clerk (English was not her first language) when I asked for copies of an autopsy that was filed with my medical record.

Her: you cannot have an autopsy, you are not dead.
Me: no, the autopsy is not of me, it's of my son.
Her: what is his name and birthdate.
Me: Oliver T., April 3rd 2008.
Her: We have no record of that patient.
Me: Yes, I know

I eventually convinced her just to copy everything filed under my name and send it to me. I wanted it to have, to make him real, and I wanted it to read before my first appointment with my new obstetrician. I believe my conversation with her was much more honest and helpful because we had read the same words.
I admit that I was also looking for clues, and I found them. I understand what happened better, and I feel more confident about guarding against it in another pregnancy. That peace alone was worth the pain of getting and reading those pages.

I have my medical records - which also includes my son's information. It's the only proof I have of him. It's the only documentation that says I was having a boy.

I just got them last week and I keep pouring over them like I'm going to uncover some new fact about what went wrong.

I also have the NICU records from my twins. It's a 3-4 inch stack of paper that has been safely boxed away. I did them same thing 4 years ago that I'm doing now - obsessing - though that story had a better ending.