the silent refrain

silent: said, or screamed, yelled, whispered, in the head. Not said aloud via the lips.

refrain: recurring word, phrase or sentence. perhaps a sound.

the silent refrain: a word, phrase or sentence that you keep saying, yelling, whispering, or screaming, in your head. a sound that keeps going on in your head.

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Twenty years ago: I was a good student. Trying hard to keep up with the grades. Polite and toed the line.

My silent refrains then:

"Blah, blah, blah... ... can't you adults say something else?"

"Why do grades matter so much?"

"I am scared to shit. What if I forget the answers?"

"I need to get out of this place."

"Nobody understands."

"Life sucks."

"I wish my boobs can be a bit bigger."

"How come they just don't get it?"

"I want OUT of this system."

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In the last eleven months, my silent refrains have been:

"WHY?!"

"Did I really deserve that?"

"I cannot take this pain any longer."

"My baby died, you idiot." (Usually when asked at the stores "How are you today?")

"Don't you dare ask where my baby is."

"Don't you dare look at my big, floppy belly."

"You just don't understand, you are such an ASS."

"My baby died, you moron."

"Wipe that stupid smile off your face. You won't smile at me like that if you know my baby died."

"Just let me die."

"Stop smearing your happy shit over my face."

"My baby died. Can you shut up please?"

(when looking at my two girls): "Love them now... love them now... you don't have all the time in the world..."

Often, this comes up when I am standing in the shower, I dunno why:

"No, he did not die. Of course not. Are you crazy?"

Some are not as violent or rude as those listed a little above, but still cuts deep:

"Where are you, my son?"

"Please talk to me, Ferdinand."

"Can you tell me if you suffered? Did you feel pain?"

"Am I unworthy?"

"Do you know this pain is overflowing?"

"We are all thinking of you today, **** that you did not make it, ****."

"Will I ever get over this?"

"Where do I buy a ticket to the "other side"?"

And on very rare occasions:

"I know I can get through this. I will rise from the cold ashes. I can do it, damn!"

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A lot of the times, just some gibberish yelling in my head, so I do not think hurtful thoughts, suicidal thoughts, or don't-get-me-nowhere thoughts. Sometimes I get more gentle thoughts in my head. Really, sometimes they are even beautiful. But those do not happen frequently.

What is frequent: hearing this sound in my head, which is my heart cracking and shattering, all over again. I also now understand what is a silent scream in the head.

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Your turn now, what's your silent refrain?