insanity, perhaps

There have been times, when I felt I would go insane with grief.

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               "Then, Kathy, a scientist, told me a ghost story. Her bravery in sharing this story touched me. Five years after Meaghan's death, shortly after settling into a new home, Kathy awoke in the middle of the night. In the darkness she saw the apparition of a curly haired girl who looked under the bed, into the closet, and then vanished. The girl was about the age her daughter would have been.

"One thought ran through my mind," Kathy said, "I though, My God, Maeghan's with us all along. We had moved and she was checking out the new digs."

Did Kathy really see the ghost? I think she did, yet I don't know. But I will tell you this: In the middle of the night, I watch."

Lorraine Ash, "Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing"

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After reading that story, I watched too. In the middle of the night. I opened my eyes, and I searched, intently, for any movements. I pricked up my ears, and I listened, for any whisperings. I never breathed a word of that to anybody. They would think I am insane. Totally insane.

I felt insane. I needed desperately to connect with my son, whom I was supposed to be cradling, nursing, loving. Instead, I am told he's gone. Gone where? Is there an address? Is there a number I can call and talk to him?

(Insane.)

Even though I felt him in my heart, and sometimes it feels as if he is still in my womb, I yearned for a more "tangible" connection. I wondered, is there a way we can visit, and talk? And not just by way of fantasy and imagination?

Then my friend L told me that he visited her one evening, just when she was getting ready for bed. She told me he came and sat next to her on the bed. He was about four years old. Looked like my older daughter and looked peaceful and smiled and bowed to her with his hands in prayer to the heart. He said that he had been trying to talk to me but I could not hear him. (That devastated me.) He also told her he sent his love and that his Light wished to return one day. She was shocked, not expecting that, and she asked him if she could let me hear this and he said YES. So she told me the following morning.

L had said before that since young she could see and hear things. Do I believe her? I do. I want to. Needed to.

I know, insane. There is no way to verify. Only the choice to believe, or not.

But I did not think L saw a ghost of my son. In my system of beliefs, there are souls and spirits. I believe it was my son's spirit whom she saw, and communicated with.

Insane? Perhaps. Or perhaps, absolutely totally- insane.

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I just wish, that his soul had come to visit with me. I could not understand how was it that I could not hear him? Though I have to admit, my mind had been busy with so many thoughts since he died. I am not present, even though I am "here." And, I am not as intuitive as my friend L.

I still wait, I still watch, I still listen. I am not sure if that makes me insane. I guess it depends on who you ask.

Do you have a "ghost story" too? Do you believe in souls or spirits visiting? Do you think such things are just insanity?