On eternal sunshine

/

I remember the way my heart leapt at the very thought of you
The way I smiled at what was to come.
The way you moved within me
Gently weaving your way into my heart and soul
I remember all of that and the cry I never heard.

I remember I didn’t want to let you go
I hold dear those moments I held you.
The weight of you in my arms
The way your hand rested across your heart
I remember all of that and the smile I never got.

I remember the scent and softness of your skin
The greyness, the blueness, the brown.
The blackness of your matted hair
I remember all of that and the eyes I never saw.

I remember the last time I saw you
You were dressed in yellow.
It’s the color I associate with that memory.
I touched you as light as a feather
I remember all of that and the heart that stopped beating.

I remember the flames as they devoured you
The sounds and the scents of those gone.
I remember the greyness of those ashes
They rest in our home where you should be
I remember the daughter I will always love.

You are the fondest of my memories
The one I go back to time and time again.
You, my love, are a part of me
You are as I am and you will always be.

+++

Apparently, our memories aren't as permanent as we once thought. Scientists are now on the verge of being able to 'edit' the lingering mental health effects of trauma—they're working to figure out how to delete, change, and implant memories not just in animals, but in human subjects. Plus drugs that rewire our brains to forget the bad parts already on the horizon.

Would I?

Would I choose to erase the painful memories I’ve held onto, if I could? Would I live a more whole life, more happy and content? The big question: would I erase all memories of her, my daughter?

No. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t trade the pain and sadness for anything. I wouldn’t trade the tears. I wouldn’t trade the hurt. My memories are all I have. I will treasure and cherish them.

We are so many different things. We are happiness, sadness, madness, brokenness. All these things make us, complete us. I wouldn't want to erase any happy memories of my life with my husband or my living son. Why would I want to erase the only memories I have of my daughter?

This is who I am. They are who I am. She is who I am.

 

Have you ever felt like erasing your memories to make the hurt a little less? What are your most treasured memories of your baby/ies?