Amado
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My dog and I walk on the beach at night
And the starlight stretches endless, as does the water
And everything else
the world does to let us know it is big, and we are small.
And this is not a new idea,
But when I was pregnant with you, I was almost as big as the universe
I stretched endless, your only home
My sinew and blood wrapped around you tight as starlight over the ocean
I was your world
And you were so fucking small
And even smaller when you were born
23 weeks and 5 days
Creases on your hands and soft dark hair just beginning to grow from your sweet head
And I loved you as hard as starlight
As close as the water
You were so fucking small and the hole we dug was so deep
Even the grains of dirt I packed around your small box,
Even the grains of dirt were too big for you
And the world is too big
The world is not big enough
And the water sounds far away
And I held you for as long as I could
But it was not long enough
Time was a funny thing with your silent body resting so fucking small on my still breathing chest
And I held you tight as starlight over the still breathing ocean
Everything wrapped tight
You in your soft blanket
My world shrinking and growing and changing until it was exactly the size of your face
Nothing but your face
I was the size of your face
The world was the exact size of your sweet face
All I could see was your face
And that is where I wanted to lay forever
Wrapped around you
Starlight and water and whole worlds stretching endless across our shared sinews
You were the only family I have ever felt
And now my body is small
Too small feeling to have ever held you
Too small to find you
Too small to bring you home
Or even to stand
My dog by my side
As I walk the beach in this too small world that stretches endless
Without you
Our shared sinews severed
Our worlds stretched tight
The stars are too high above the water
Without you
And the world keeps shifting as I walk
Away from you, because every direction points away from you
No matter how much I circle
No matter how much I shift my shape
Change my size
Look to the stars
Look to the ocean
Pour dirt from my hands into a too deep hole
Look to your face
And back again
My too small body is full of broken places
Cracks that fill with starlight
And salt water as endless as you were
And everything else
the world does to let us know that it is big and we are small
you were so fucking small
and I was the only world you ever knew
and I held you tight as starlight over the still breathing ocean
my whole body the exact size of your sweet face
and I am a universe again, broken open
too small and too big
full of water
and stars
and dirt
and change
and your absence stretches endless through all my blood and sinew
and all I can see is your face
I am a universe of your absence
A writer and educator, our guest writer Nechama’s baby was stillborn at almost 24 weeks. What line of her poem speaks to you, and why?