Peripheral
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In this loss aftermath, I sometimes find myself going through the motions to get through days, like I’m observing someone else’s life unfold. I’m half there doing the daily grind of chores, work, school pick-ups, the gym. I smile and small talk with people, acting the part that I’m supposed to fill. I have to admit, there are moments I’m grateful for this separation.
When an acquaintance asks the oh-so-common question of how many kids I have, or when the doctor asks how many times I’ve given birth—with the inevitable follow up of asking how old my kids are—it’s nice to feel somewhat removed. I like being on the outside of myself a bit when their expression changes from that pleasantly blank face of innocent small talk into that awkward mix of horror, pity, and disbelief.
It's nice to be outside looking in when I see families with more than one child at the store or siblings playing together at the park. It’s a quick escape route when a song I used to sing to him starts playing in the middle of a movie, taking me by complete surprise. And it’s especially nice when my son asks me for a baby brother since his died.
It’s not that I don’t want to be fully present. I do, oh I do. I have a sweet little boy that wants nothing more than to share with me his latest discoveries or the hot gossip from the kindergarten playground. He likes to hug me as tight as he can with all of his five year old strength and assure me that when he grows up he wants to live next door to us. He still loves to snuggle and often I find myself bumping into him because he follows me so closely.
In my peripheral vision, I can sometimes see a fuzzy outline. A silhouette of a chubby baby that should be here too. It’s easy to become distracted by that ghost. I try not to get too lost in that because I know that he’s just in my head and there are so many other directions that I’m pulled towards. But sometimes it’s nice to have a ghost for company when I’m going through the motions.
What do you see in your peripheral vision? When do you notice it most?