I miss so much it hurts

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Today’s guest post is by Mallory. Albert and Mallory welcomed their first child, Theodore Edward (Tek as Mallory called him) on January 28, 2020. At 6 days old Theodore was diagnosed with an infection called NEC. He was unable to overcome the infection and passed away in Mallory’s arms on February 8th. Mallory and Albert had ten short amazing days with their perfect baby boy. Mallory has a strong desire to connect with other loss moms who want nothing more than to remember the child they love.

I miss watching my bump grow. I miss waking up to it being bigger than the day before - or at least that's how it felt. 

I miss hearing his heart beat at ultrasound appointments. I regret not recording it. 

I miss feeling him move. I miss the late night jabs that were startling. I miss his rolling around right after lunch. I miss his hiccups in the late evening. 

I miss the anticipation of his arrival. The day dreaming about what it would be like to have an infant at home. 

I miss planning for his arrival. The schedule adjustments we were going to make to ensure he was well taken care of. The budget adjustments so we could afford daycare, diapers, clothes, all the things a baby needs. 

I miss the feelings I had during labor. The mix of excitement and exhaustion. I didn't think I would be able to do it. I kept saying I couldn’t do it. But I did. I delivered my sweet baby boy. 

I miss the ten days I felt like a mom. I miss people calling me mom, mama, mommy when they spoke to me about him. I am still his mommy but does the world see that? Do they see when I am out at Target that I carried, delivered and cared for a baby? Do they see a car seat when I am parked somewhere? They don't. It’s not something anyone can see. All I can do is tell them. All I can do is say, "Yes, we have a son," always followed by the fact that he is not physically here with us. 

I miss holding him and feeling his warmth. Babies are so warm! I always had to take my sweatshirt off. He was like a little heater. 

I miss feeling him take deep breaths. 

More than anything, I miss just being in his presence. I miss knowing that he was right there. That any time I wanted, I could hold him, touch him, talk to him because he was there. For such a little boy his presence felt so big! 

I miss every single thing about my son. I miss so much it hurts.

What do you miss the most about the life you imagined with your baby?